Walking through Sydney, I come across a flock of Ibis, birds revered throughout the ancient world, particularly in Egypt. The deity Thoth – god of the moon, of sacred texts, mathematics, sciences, magic, master of knowledge, and patron of scribes (quite the roll call of jobs, that) – was actually depicted with the head of an Ibis.
‘Wow! Look at that… incredible!’ I exclaim. ‘Ah mate, that’s just a bin chicken’ replies my friend Rowan. Millennia of worship reduced to rubble by an Aussie rebrand.
Why am I in Australia? Leaving Mrs Smith and my excitable dog Eric behind, I’ve come out here for a month with said friend Rowan (a native Sydneysider whose parents have kindly put us up in their home), Chloe (trying to carve out a new career as a Big Thing reviewer – more on this later) and Paul (one more DIY accident away from an amputation), all fortunate enough to work remotely and desperate to escape the baltic winter conditions back in the UK.
A couple of months before departure, I got a text from an old friend, James. We met over 20 years ago in London, when he was a young waiter (shoutout to the 606 Club) and I was just young drunk. Fast forward to now, and James is an acclaimed journalist back home in Australia, and I’m just an older… Well, you get the idea.
HITTING THE ROAD
‘I’m writing an article for the Sydney Morning Herald about driving an electric car from Sydney to Perth through the Nullarbor plain. Do you want to do the drive with me?’ he asked. (I should add that no one had attempted this in an electric car before.)
‘Yes obviously,’ I replied straight away. ‘But you should know, I’m yet to learn to drive…’
So James had the brainwave of asking his father Carlo along to join us. Carlo had actually done this drive back in 1971, when the road through the Nullarbor was just a dirt track. There was a beautiful symmetry of seeing father and son engage in the same journey but this time together, over 50 years later. Thankfully the roads are now paved.
We depart Sydney around 5am for the longest day of driving we have lined up. I’m told that our schedule has us leaving soon after dawn each day, as we need to be off the roads before dusk, to give us the best chance of avoiding hitting a kangaroo or emu, as that would likely wipe us out.
I’m taken by how effortless the driving seems to be for James and Carlo. A few days into the trip, I find out they’re descended from a lineage of professional drivers.
ELECTRIC DREAMS
As it turns out, the bonus of driving an EV on this journey rather than a petrol car was that the charging points were typically in small towns or shires rather than petrol stations, which definitely enhanced the experience.
The negative was how rigidly planned we needed to be, as well as how unpredictable the length of charge needed was due to the variances in power from the chargers, particularly once we were away from the east coast urban areas.
Truly, though, it’s quite literally a once in a lifetime trip. We experience the vast majesty of the country, swathes of which are untrodden by man. The scale is both indescribable and unfathomable. We see orange groves larger than Greater London, breathtaking sunsets, flooded land, and bushfire-torched, cliff-edged views of the Great Australian Bight.
We drive down the 90-mile straight – the longest straight road in Australia – and we come across a chap called Eric, a grad student from Namibia somehow cycling across this wild expanse.
SPACE JUNK, A GIANT WHALE, AND MAD TED
Most bizarrely, we find a large piece of the first ever space station, Skylab, which is kept in the corner of a roadhouse (a rural fuel stop/restaurant/pub combo) in Balladonia as it crashed nearby in 1979.
I also discover Big Things. They’ve apparently started making these big sculptures in random places in Australia and they’re now a thing and have become landmarks. I send a photo of a whale that’s sat outside the Nullarbor Roadhouse to the friends I flew over with.
Chloe fires back immediately: 7/10, could be bigger. Minus points for lack of podium, bonus points for the attempt at painting the sea on a whale. And so we have an added purpose to our trip: Chloe reviews Big Things.
Our overnight stops are Mildura, Port Augusta, Ceduna, the Border Village Roadhouse, Norseman (where we have a run in with a man we later find out has been given the name Mad Ted, and has been following us for 200km out on the road. For more details on this particular story, a read of James’s Herald piece is required; his writing much more eloquent than mine), Albany, Margaret River (where Carlo and I act out our own version of Sideways in the various vineyards) and finally, Perth, the final stop.
We’ve gone coast to coast, and covered just shy of 5,000km, a distance greater than London to Yerevan, Armenia.
A RECHARGE AT THE TREASURY
We’re exhausted but, thankfully, booked in to stay at Como the Treasury (the car is also exhausted; thankfully there are three fast-charging points in the basement car park, as well as a dedicated Tesla charger). This is no roadhouse. The Como is, well, wow. Breathtaking.
Located in the State Buildings, a 140 year old group of late Victorian stone and brick buildings once home to Perth’s original seat of government as well as serving as a post office, land-titles office and, you guessed it, the treasury. Aside from the hotel, it also houses Como Shambala, a wellness retreat, 10 shops and, most importantly, six bars and four restaurants.
We wander into the check-in, which feels more like a calming lounge, and we are promptly offered a drink of bubbles by the concierge and a seat on some couches, surrounded by fine art. A great start.
We’re then shown around the hotel and state buildings complex. If I was shown this 10 times more, I’d still get lost. It’s a vast and enjoyable maze, with enough here to explore for those with longer stays.
After exploring the room, we head up to the roof to have a cocktail on the terrace of Wildflower, a fine dining restaurant, and to watch the sunset drape over the Perth CBD, before we finally settle down in the basement to eat at their fantastic Thai restaurant, Long Chim. Top scores all around.
The State Buildings are a hive of activity throughout the evening, with all the various buzzing bars and restaurants a lovely contrast to the serenity in the hotel section of the building.
PERTH PICKS
The next day, I decide to explore the local vicinity on my own. I stroll up to Mount Street Breakfast Bar for a coffee and a spot of work, before heading back to Main Street Ryu for a sushi lunch.
After working through the afternoon from my room, I pop out to Alfred’s Pizzeria across the road, a cocktail bar that serves superb bar pie, before heading for further cocktails at Bobeche, Foxtrot Unicorn and Terrarium – all very much worth a stop in.
I prefer Perth to Sydney. There, I said it. I’m conscious that WA and Perth are not the most fashionable locations in Australia but pound-for-pound, the area is a marvel and I would urge a visit.
The beaches are more plentiful all the way down the coast – and less populated too. City Beach is only a short 20-minute drive away from the Como and is excellent.
OUT-OF-TOWN TIPS
If wine-tasting is your thing, you can head over to the Swan Valley and its multitude of cellar doors on the edge of the city in around half an hour, and if you fancy a longer trip, Margaret River is under three hours away and has some of the best wine in Australia.
Definitely also head to South Fremantle, accessible within the hour by public transport or a half hour by car. It’s a slice of Venice Beach without the pretension. When there, make sure you go to Wild In The Street for lunch and a drink – and ask for Elise Godwin, WA’s Bartender of the Year 2023 and she’ll not just fix you up something delicious to drink but curate your stay by recommending the best spots both in town and further afield. Do not leave before you’ve tried head chef Paula Galvez’s food, expertly pairing the ferocity of wood fired cooking with the delicacy of her fresh produce.
Alas, I have to depart Perth. I have one final workout in the hotel’s gym, swim in the narrow but perfectly formed infinity pool and deeply regret not taking advantage of the spa (I also regret not having a rain shower this powerful at home). Checkout is as smooth as you’d expect it would be and I bid it a fond farewell to the Treasury.
As a final stop, I head to local marvel Hylin (in West Leederville) with a couple of Perthite friends. It’s honestly the best brunch food I’ve ever found, and that’s saying something. Having been before on a previous trip, I order my usual: a toasted cheese brisket sandwich, topped with poached eggs, covered in a chipotle hollandaise, with pickled jalapeños scattered about.
‘Holy shit, bin chicken!’ I exclaim while one pecks away by our feet in the hope of some crumbs. We shoo it away in disgust and I come to realise that I’ve gone full circle. It took nine days in the middle of nowhere to mould me but… I’m an Australian now.
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Additional photography by the author